Etiquette for MEN
Technology begets rudeness
But etiquette author suggests maybe we're waking up to our own boorish selves
By BEVERLY KEELCelebrity Columnist Tennessean

The technology that makes some of our daily tasks easier also provides more opportunities for rudeness, according to a Nashville etiquette author.

"We've got technology that allows us to be rude, and we don't even realize how rude we're being," said John Bridges, author of numerous books on manners, including How To Be a Gentleman, which has been published in about a dozen languages. "I hope that people wouldn't go around being intentionally rude no matter what, but I think that we don't understand how rude we are being when we send off a really flip e-mail. Just don't send an angry e-mail; please think twice before you hit 'send' if you are not in a good mood.

"There seems to be an appetite for such advice, perhaps because Bridges presents it in such a non-threatening way, said Pamela Clements, publisher of Thomas Nelson General Interest and Lifestyle. "His writing style and voice are funny, and it's like a more urbane friend who is giving you the secret handshake. It's almost like bringing you into the club: 'Here are the things you need to know,' and people love it."

Concerned about behavior
Bridges, who served as Nashville's director of cultural affairs for eight years, released How To Be a Gentleman in 1998, and it has sold about 250,000 copies. Bridges and collaborator Bryan Curtis also have written books in the Gentlemanners series — including A Gentleman Gets Dressed Up, A Gentleman Entertains and Toasts and Tributes — that also includes lady-themed contributions from writers Kay West, Candace Simpson-Giles and Sheryl Shade. The series, which is approaching sales of 1.5 million, is available in Joseph A. Banks Clothier and Crane's Stationery stores. Brooks Brothers and Dillard's have released the books with custom covers.

"People really are concerned about their behavior more than you think they are," he said. "We've gone through a couple of generations, or at least one long generation, where all of this discussion and a lot of the training in terms of conduct and etiquette and just general courtesy just went away. Now people are beginning to realize, 'I don't know this and I want to know it.' They get worried about what they are going to do when they go out to a restaurant, either on a social occasion or for a business lunch or dinner.

"Bridges recently finished writing the second edition of How To Be a Gentleman, which will be released this spring, and he discovered he had plenty of new topics to address, including e-mail and cell phone etiquette and the fad of untucked shirts, baseball caps indoors and low-hanging jeans, as well as the changes in smoking policies and travel.

Of course, the basics remain the same, such as how to use the proper silverware or make an introduction.

Few classy models

So what is a gentleman in 2008?"

People do think that it's an outmoded thing and that you have to be Cary Grant to be a gentleman," Bridges, 57, said. "A Cary Grant is more a matter of style and savoir faire and flair. The basic rule of being a gentleman doesn't change: A gentleman is somebody who knows how to be there when he's needed and gets out of the way the rest of the time.

"It's about trying to be helpful and being considerate of others. It's not about wearing the most expensive clothes in the world. It's about making sure your clothes are neat and clean so that you don't offend somebody else. It's not about spending a bunch of money or knowing what fork to use. But it's about caring about doing the right thing."

Quite simply, a gentleman is a nice guy.

The younger generation may have difficulty determining what appropriate behavior should be because there are so many celebrities acting so badly so often. It's not that celebrities behave worse than their famous predecessors, but that now their every action is caught on tape, Bridges said. This perpetuates the notion that rudeness in acceptable.

"I am so tired of seeing the bare abdomens of 16-year-old girls and the underwear of 16-year-old boys because they're wearing their pants so low," he said. "That is simply because that's what they've seen from the celebrities on the fronts of magazines."

Despite the renewed interest in etiquette and behavior, Bridges said, society is at a disturbing time in terms of rudeness. "It won't get any better if people don't start paying attention to it. Let me make it clear: It's not a class thing; it doesn't matter what part of town you are in. It's a mind-set.

"I do know that people seem to be concerned about it. It does appear in many ways (that) people truly don't know how to behave in the simplest and most basic sorts of ways. That is very tough to change or teach. That is saying, 'This is what it means to be courteous to other people.' "

John Bridges' current pet peeve is inappropriate cell phone usage, which often feels inescapable in today's society. He said the moment a plane lands, passengers make a cell phone call, or remain on the phone after the flight attendant announces that all phones must be turned off. Recently Bridges was in a doctor's waiting room where a young woman talked on her phone for 30 minutes, despite a sign saying that all calls should be made in the hall."It's a basic lack of consideration for other people and a basic lack of self discipline," he said. He said a gentleman should not use his cell phone:

• While driving;
• In church or during a theater performance, movie or concert;
• At a table in a restaurant of any kind, from fast food to first class;
• In the waiting or examination rooms of a doctor's office;
• While standing in line in stores, the post office or where others would find themselves trapped as an unwilling witness to the conversation;
• In an elevator if others are present who aren't friends or co-workers.
Etiquette expert John Bridges said some people don't want to hear his advice on proper fashion and behavior in today's society. Here are some opinions that have generated disagreement or misunderstanding:
• A gentleman should wear an undershirt to absorb sweat. "People say, 'I don't sweat,' " he said. "Well, you don't know if you sweat or not. Years ago, when Al Gore was announcing Joe Lieberman as his running mate in Nashville, which was so hot, the next day The New York Times said, 'Clearly Mr. Lieberman had remembered to wear an undershirt and Mr. Gore had not.' People notice."
• This undershirt should be tucked into a man's under wear so that he won't reveal skin if he squats, Bridges said. "People say, I don't want to go around sticking my T-shirt into my underwear. I'm not talking about your shirt."
• A gentleman should open a door for a woman. "I cannot believe that anybody would ever walk through a door and not look behind them to see if somebody else was coming to see if they could help, whether it's a man or woman. Men say that these days women don't want men to open doors for them, which simply is not true."
• Don't wear a suit that has cuffed pants with cowboy boots. "When I have an interview with someone from Texas or Oklahoma, they say, 'What do you mean?' There are boot-cut suits."
• A gentleman tips the appropriate amount for services rendered. For instance, car valets should be tipped $2-$3, or $5 or more if they've gone to great effort to park or retrieve your car. (If you only have $1, that is better than nothing, he said. There's also nothing wrong with asking a valet to make change for a larger bill.) "People don't like to be told what the appropriate amount is," he said. "They are concerned about it, but frequently they don't want to hear the answer."

— BEVERLY KEELBooks by John Bridges on Etiquette