Holiday Etiquette
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Keeping in Touch at Thanksgiving
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The fellowship feeling of Thanksgiving is unrivalled among holidays. It's hard to think of a more warm or festive occasion. It's a wonderful time to extend a last-minute invitation to someone who may be alone or without plans for the holiday. It's a good time, too, to contribute canned goods, money or time to volunteer organizations that feed the homeless, elderly and infirm.
Here are a few suggestions to help you keep in touch with family and friends, even if you aren't all together.

Share your presence
E-mail: Send an e-mail to family members who can’t join you for Thanksgiving – it might become a “round robin.”

Letter: Have your guests add a line or two to a “group letter” and send it to absent family members.

Phone call: Set up a conference call and reach many family members at once.

Journal: Have a book where guests can write their Thanksgiving thoughts. Bring it out every Thanksgiving so guests can read and add to it.

Reach out: If all of your family can’t make it to the big celebration, send flowers or candles for their table as a way of expressing togetherness.

Let everyone participate. Thanksgiving is a big meal, involving lots of preparation. Many guests want to bring or prepare a dish. It’s a great way to let them be a part of the celebration. Children can help, too, by making decorations and place cards, setting the table and lighting the candles.

Give thanks: Even if you are not saying a traditional grace, it’s nice to let everyone around your table express their thanks.

Remember: Remember our service men and women who are far from our comforts and celebrations.

As we pause to count our blessings, all of us at the Emily Post Institute wish you a heartfelt “Happy Thanksgiving.”


Entertaining & Visiting During the Holidays: FAQs
There’s a good chance you’ll be both a host and a guest at some point during the holidays. And if not, you’ve most likely been on both sides of the table before. We know treating everyone with courtesy and respect during this time of the year is vital to your friendships year-round. What we may not know is just the right way to act in certain situations. Here are a few commonly asked questions and tips for both entertaining and visiting during the holidays:

I am having vegetarian friends for a holiday dinner. Do I alter the entire menu or just have one or two dishes for them?

It depends on the size of your celebration. If your vegetarian friends are the only guests, you’ll want to be sure they can enjoy most of what you’re serving. If they’ll be part of a larger crowd, it isn’t necessary to alter the entire menu. Serve enough vegetarian dishes so that they don’t leave the table hungry. Often people on restrictive diets come prepared, so, if they offer to bring a dish to share, let them.
What are “chargers,” and how do I use them?
At holiday times charger plates, also known as service plates, make a cameo appearance on our tables. In stunning gold, copper, silver, black, emerald green and ruby red, they turn their practical sisters, the soup bowl or salad plate, into Cinderellas for the evening.

This large plate, usually about 12” in diameter, serves as an underplate for the plate or bowl holding the first course. The first course is brought to the table and set on the service plate. When the first course is cleared, the service plate remains until the plate holding the entrée is served, at which point the service plate is exchanged for the entrée plate.

The Gracious Guest
Five Tips for Holiday Visits
1. All hosts—including your mother and aunts—love a surprise gift.
2. Be willing to pitch in, but instead of asking the harried host how you can help, volunteer to do a specific job like loading the dishwasher.
3. If you make the offer to help and the host firmly declines, back off—some people really don’t want guests in their kitchen.
4. At family get-togethers, don’t let nosy questions upset you. Deflect rudeness by changing the topic: “You’re right, Uncle Jim, I was thinner last year. How ‘bout those Steelers?”
5. Visiting friends or family? Observe this rule of thumb: Three nights is usually plenty. Spell out arrival and departure times well in advance so your host isn’t left guessing.


Here’s to… Making a Holiday Toast
The custom of toasting goes back almost as far as history itself. Ancient warriors drank to their pagan gods, Greeks and Romans to more gods, and early Norsemen drank to each other. Almost every culture practiced toasting in some form, and the custom gradually evolved into today’s toasts to love, friendship, health, wealth and happiness.

At holiday gatherings and New Year’s celebrations and gatherings glasses will be raised on more than one occasion. Here are some frequently asked questions about toasting:

Who goes first?

The host or hostess offers the first toast at a formal occasion such as a dinner party, and always at a wedding or large function. Around a dinner table with friends, a guest can propose the first toast and often does so to thank the host for bringing everyone together.

Do I have to stand?

Yes, unless you are at a small, informal occasion. Everyone else remains seated during the toast – including the person being toasted – unless you instruct them to “rise and raise your glass.”

I get really nervous speaking in front of people. What should I do?

You are not alone! Prepare your toast ahead of time. Keep it short and to the point, focusing your remarks on the toastee or the event being celebrated. If necessary, write out what you wish to say and then practice it out loud. It will give you confidence.

Can I tell a joke or story?

Sure if it is short and relevant. A touch of humor is rarely out of place, but keep it ‘clean.’

I don’t drink alcohol—can I still make or participate in a toast?
Yes! You can raise your glass whether it is filled with champagne, wine, vodka, soda, seltzer, fruit juice or plain old tap water!

Now, can you give me a good New Year’s toast?
Here you go…
Here’s to the year past and friends who have left us,Here’s to the present and the friends who are here,Here’s to the New Year and the new friends who will join us.


Peggy's Top Five for Stress-Free Gift Giving
We want you to have a joyous holiday season. Here are Peggy’s tips for giving gifts without succumbing to stress.

1. Get their wish list.Ask people for hints or even a wish list. Gather ideas during the year, and write everything down.
2. Trust your judgment.Forget about being afraid the gift isn’t “perfect.” If you think the person will like it, chances are they will.
3. Stick to your budget.Spending more than you should takes the fun out of gift giving. There’s nothing more stressful than overspending—and feeling uneasy about it.
4. Buy it when you see it.If you’re shopping in July and see a sweater that your mother would love, buy it. It probably won’t be there when you look in December.
5. Start a gift closet.Stash a few gifts that will work in a pinch: copies of your favorite cookbook, a good bottle of wine, or boxes of beautiful note cards. That way you’ll be ready if need a gift on the spot.

Holiday Giving & Receiving: FAQs
There are plenty of opportunities to give during the holidays. Some situations pose more questions than others. Here are some of the inquiries we answer time and time again—about family, friends, and all those cards:

Is it necessary to write thank-you notes to family members?

If you’ve thanked someone in person for a gift, a thank-you note isn’t obligatory. But, it’s never wrong to write a thank-you note. If you receive gifts from family members that you won’t see to thank in person, write them a thank-you note—both to let them know their gift arrived and that you liked it. Remember that relatives from ‘the old school’ may still expect a written note even if thanks were given in person.

If you've only been dating someone a short while, how do you decide how generous to be with your holiday gift?

The amount you spend on the gift should be a balance of your affection for the person and your budget. Anything too expensive or extravagant may send a message about the seriousness of the relationship—which could in turn cause confusion. Don’t let something like holiday gift conundrums complicate a budding relationship: there’s no downside to keeping things simple.

I have a lot of non-Christian friends, is it rude to send them cards, even if they are nondenominational?

No, as long as you chose the right kind of card. Cards that offer the message “Seasons Greetings”—with no religious figures, messages or symbols on it—are appropriate for a wide range of friends and acquaintances, regardless of their religious preference.

Is it OK to e-mail my holiday greetings instead of mailing cards?

Yes—if your intended recipients are frequently online and you're fairly certain that they would welcome this type of greeting. Your great aunt Sara, who cherishes your handwritten notes, may still prefer a traditional card. Others, too, might rather have a traditional paper greeting. (Maybe you'll want to ask a few of your friends about their preferences). There's nothing "wrong" about e-greetings, though. And the benefits? You can wait until the last minute and you can even attach pictures. Just be careful about sending personal e-mails to people's work addresses. Many companies have policies against receiving and sending personal e-mail at work.

Invitation Etiquette
Whether it is to a wedding, a dinner party, shower or gala event, an invitation comes with some important obligations. Here’s a quick guide to keep you on the guest list.

1. RSVP
From the French, it means “Répondez, s’il vous plaît,” or, “Please reply.” This little code has been around for a long time and it’s definitely telling you that your hosts want to know if you are attending. Reply promptly, within a day or two of receiving an invitation.

2. How do I respond? Reply in the manner indicated on the invitation.
· RSVP and no response card: a handwritten response to the host at the return address on the envelope.
· Response Card: fill in and reply by the date indicated and return in the enclosed envelope.
· RSVP with phone number: telephone and make sure to speak in person – answering machines can be unreliable.
· RSVP with email: you may accept or decline electronically.
· Regrets only: reply only if you cannot attend. If your host doesn’t hear from you, he is expecting you!
· No reply requested? Unusual, but it is always polite to let someone know your intentions. A phone call would be sufficient.

3. Is that your final answer?
· Changing a ‘yes’ to a ‘no’ is only acceptable on account of: illness or injury, a death in the family or an unavoidable professional or business conflict. Call your hosts immediately.
· Canceling because you have a “better” offer is a sure fire way to get dropped from ALL the guest lists.
· Being a “no show” is unacceptable.
· Changing a ‘no’ to a ‘yes’ is OK only if it will not upset the hosts’ arrangements.

4. “May I bring…”
Don’t even ask! An invitation is extended to the people the hosts want to invite—and no one else.
· …a date. Some invitations indicate that you may invite a guest or date (Mr. John Evans and Guest) and when you reply, you should indicate whether you are bringing someone, and convey their name.
· …my children. If they were invited, the invitation would have said so.
· … my houseguest. It’s best to decline the invitation, stating the reason. This gives your host the option to extend the invitation to your guests, or not.

5. Say “Thank You.”
Make sure to thank your hosts before you leave, and then again by phone or note the next day.

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Holiday Shopping Politesse
The Holidays: the joy, the snow, the rush…the frustration, the bad-tempers, the rudeness!
10 Ways to keep those holiday shopping spirits bright:

1. Smile – You can’t do it enough. Your face (and your soul) will thank you for it.
2. Lose the ‘Bah Humbug!’ attitude. Yes, it will be crowded and there will be lines and it will take time to find a parking spot. Don’t let that dampen the season’s joie de vivre.
3. “Please, Thank You and You’re Welcome.” Make this your mantra and you will smooth the way for better service and create a kinder, gentler atmosphere wherever you go.
4. Be gracious. You have circled the lot for the fifth time when you spy a space, only to see that someone else is already waiting for it. Be gracious - let them have the space.
5. A little patience, please. Checkout counter or airline counter, the rules are the same: first come, first served, one at a time. (This is a great place to practice your smiling.) When it is your turn, be ready with documents or payment to speed things along.
6. Friendliness. Say ‘hello’ to the harried clerk behind the counter (and smile).
7. Complain to the proper person. Yelling at a salesclerk because a store is out of an advertised item only makes you look foolish and rude. If you have a problem, ask to speak to the manager. Frame your complaint clearly and simply. ( No venting, please.)
8. Cell phones: They’re useful when trying to find out your Aunt Mary’s glove size, but turn them off when you are working with a sales clerk or checking out at a register.
9. Shopping with children: Sensory overload is the word of the day: the music, the crowds, the lights, the toys, the Santas! It’s best to arrange to leave your children home. If they must accompany you, or when it is their turn to shop, make sure they are well-rested and fed – kinder to them and to those around them
10. Don’t forget the lights—traffic lights that is! Please stop at the red ones and use your turn signals to alert other harried, distracted shoppers to your directional intentions.

Tips for a Happy Thanksgiving
We can’t offer you a “Turkey Hotline” but here are some tips for guests and hosts to help make your Thanksgiving both happy and memorable.

As a Guest:

RSVP. Let your host know right away if you can come or not. If you received a “family” invitation, let him know how many of you can come. Don’t show up with uninvited guests. There is usually room for one more at Thanksgiving, but this is something you must discuss with your host ahead of time.

Offer to contribute to the meal – but don’t dictate the menu. Your best bet is to make your offer open-ended and follow your host’s direction. If you or your ‘party’’ have special dietary needs, it is very gracious to offer to bring a dish that meets those needs. “Grace is a vegetarian – I’d love to bring a delicious tofu dish if that’s OK with you.”

Dress appropriately. At the very least, clean and pressed. As a true sign of consideration, dress one notch up. Your hosts are probably going all out, and your attire can either say, “I appreciate the effort you are making for all of us,” or “I thought you were ordering take out.”
Arrive on time. Yes, it is a day of feasting, but that turkey is going to be done at some point and your hosts are trying to plan around that magic moment. If you arrive late, don’t expect anyone to wait for you.

Offer to help with the clean-up. Family or non-family, this is one day where it is a great idea to pitch in.

Avoid controversial or painful family subjects. This is a day to be together in a spirit of generosity and thankfulness for all you do have. Let it be so.

Leave on time. If you are a houseguest, stick to the agreed begin and end times of your visit.
Say thank you. A phone call or, better yet, a hand-written note of thanks to your hosts shows your appreciation for all their hard work.

As a Host:

Extend the invitation at least a month in advance, longer for those who might be traveling. If out-of-town guests are staying with you, set a beginning and an end for the visit. Three days is usually the optimum.

Be as accommodating as possible to ‘extras.’ “John and I would love to come, but our friend Tanya will be spending Thanksgiving alone – is it possible to include her?” If you have the room, of course they should bring Tanya! (Be creative – fit in as many as possible. This is the celebration that exemplifies the generous spirit!)

Have a flexible menu plan. Because Thanksgiving is a bit of a pot luck affair, be prepared to be “coordination central.” Accept all offers for special diet accommodations – see ‘Grace the vegetarian’ above.

The Post Family Dinner Plan
The hosts prepare an appetizer, the turkey, gravy, one stuffing for the bird and beverages. Everyone else contributes whatever dish means ‘Thanksgiving’ to them: Sweet potatoes with marshmallow topping? Oyster dressing? Green beans with almonds? Turnips? Mashed potatoes? Pumpkin-ginger cheesecake? We recommend that the provider prepare a serving amount equal to half the number of guests. Thanksgiving is such a smorgasbord that (other than the turkey and mashed potatoes) most guests take a “tasting” serving. If you want tons of leftovers, go for the serving per guest formula.

Review the guest list with everyone in your household. Clueing your immediate family in on who will be sharing Thanksgiving with you can help set the tone for the day. If little Joey greets Great-aunt Miriam with a big smile and a “Hi, Aunt Miriam,” just imagine how welcome she will feel!

Assign tasks. Greeters, hors d’ouevres passers, ‘bar tenders’, ‘circulators and introducers,’ servers – even though most guests may be family members, give them the red carpet treatment.

Take a tip from the airlines: serve and seat young children and the elderly first.

FHB – an acronym to be whispered to immediate family ONLY! FHB means “Family Hold Back.” If there is a critical shortage of a critical food item, discretely whisper to family members, ‘FHB the dark meat.” It’s the secret signal that guests get first dibs on the dark meat.

Turn off the TV during Thanksgiving dinner. Thanksgiving has been around long before football or television. VCR’s, TVo – use the technology! Focus your attention where it belongs – on the lovingly prepared food, your family and your friends. When the dishes are done, EVERYONE can enjoy the games (or the chat in the other room!)

Say thank you. Don’t forget to thank everyone who participated in the planning, cooking and cleaning up.

A very happy Thanksgiving to all from The Emily Post Institute.